Unprepared, hormonal, and in love: My postpartum experience (PART ONE)
My third trimester was really tough. My right hip had dislocated, I had two bulging discs, and both wrists had severe carpal tunnel. The hormone produced during pregnancy—relaxin—paired with my unhelpful inflammatory genetics had caused the perfect storm. So it was bed rest for me, and in my spare time, I researched baby delivery and postpartum. If I was 100% prepared for anything and everything, I’d be ok, right?
Those of you who have had a baby probably just laughed! You already know there is no way to be completely prepared. On the day that my everything in this world, Cameryn, was born, all that I had envisioned for her arrival was lost. During my c-section, I listened to the doctors discuss their Christmas holidays and ski school for their kids while I felt the tugging and pulling of the surgery.
“You’ve got tons of internal stitches left in here from your old car accident,” the doctor casually shouted back to me. “I have to remove them to get to her. This is going to take a while.” I was told surgery would take a certain amount of time, but as the clock continued to tick, I started to panic. My history of miscarriages had me terrified that I wouldn’t hear a cry. I worried, powerless...should she have cried already? Is she ok?
Finally I heard my daughter cry and tears of joy streamed down my face. I was overwhelmed. “Don’t leave her,” I whispered to my husband as they walked away and my surgery continued. Later, in recovery, I would find out the surgery took more than double the normal time and I had a major blood clot in the middle of it.
Three days later we arrived home with our new daughter. Needless to say, we felt completely unprepared. I hadn’t considered that breastfeeding could be challenging; I thought babies just latched on and were good to go. But nursing wasn’t working, so I hired a lactation consultant to meet us at our home. During that assessment, we discovered that Cameryn had jaundice (her eyes had quickly turned yellow) and she was rapidly losing weight because of our inability to connect on the breast. If it didn’t improve by morning, we were told to go straight to the emergency room. My husband and I both fought back tears while the nurse helped us make a plan.
For the following eight weeks, I was either attempting to nurse her or hooked up to a pump. I cried through a lot of it, struggling to swallow my fears. We learned about things like exclusive pumping, flat nipples, tongue and lip ties, hormonal fluctuations, sleep deprivation, and all the many shades of poo. We over-googled and underslept. I will always look back on that combination of being trapped in a body that I no longer knew while feeling intense fear with a sense of trauma. It didn’t help that we had our baby in the middle of a global pandemic. We were alone. I longed for my loved ones to share this time with us, to meet our daughter, and to help us out. I longed for them to care for their baby—me.
We made it through those eight weeks, but we’ll never be the people we were before. I’m both grateful and sad about that. Once we started to shift out of intense survival mode, I looked around. I no longer recognized myself; my hormones and emotions felt overwhelming and none of my clothes fit. After numerous health care practitioner appointments, an abundance of support from other mamas, and some determination and acceptance, we were in a place where our daughter was happy, healthy, and thriving. Then it was time; I was ready to begin to work on my inflammation, weight gain, stress, and mood issues.
I'm almost 5 months in now, and some days I feel like I’ve really got this mom thing sorted out. Other days I cry in the shower. The days are long yet go by so fast. I go from not wanting to miss a second with my daughter to just wanting five minutes alone, even if I’ll undoubtedly spend those five minutes just sitting and staring at pictures of her on my phone. I’ve simultaneously experienced my greatest highs and greatest lows. I’ve waited my whole life for someone to look at me like she does and I truly feel that she is my greatest teacher. I’m happy to say that, for the most part, I’ve returned to myself. I may not feel exactly like who I used to be, but I’m comfortable in my new skin. I feel healthy.
Whether you’re breastfeeding and/or living in the postpartum and depleted space, you need foundational supplements. This need greatly increases when you are making milk, sleep deprived, eating on the fly, or just completely rattled from what just went down. Here’s what helped me through postpartum:
Prenatal: These contain iron with essential vitamins (like folate) and minerals to support both mama and baby. I now use Prenatal Pro from Designs for Health. During my first and second trimester I used a different multivitamin based on my genetics and fertility history.
Probiotics: During my pregnancy I took HMF Maternity because the research shows that women who took it prenatally had babies less likely born with common allergies and eczema. I continued taking it postpartum to help combat flora that might pass through breastmilk. In addition, I take HMF Women's Daily because it helps to prevent UTIs (UGH, urinary incontinence) and is beneficial for vaginal flora.
Fish Oils: Getting large amounts of DHA is not only important for the brain development of your babe, but for your own brain health, too. However, all of yours goes into breastmilk or is depleted quickly postpartum. Research has found that mamas who are deficient in DHA have a higher risk for postpartum depression. For these reasons, I take a tablespoon of this every 2-3 days, but if you aren’t a fan of fish oil taste, try these capsules instead.
Sereniten Plus: You’ve seen me sing the praises of this one already. The active ingredient (Lactium®) was actually discovered by doing research on breast milk! It’s the protein found in milk that reduces cortisol (stress hormone) and encourages a return to a calmer state. Ever wonder why a breastfed baby is “milk drunk?” It’s the protein in mama’s milk! I take Sereniten Plus to support anxiety and help me remain calm. As an added bonus, it means my daughter gets additional amounts of this protein beyond what I’m already producing—so we’re all a bit calmer! And if you’re dairy sensitive, don’t worry; because it’s only the protein, the body doesn’t recognize it as a food source so there’s no negative response.
In addition to these foundational supplements, there are a few other things I take daily that are custom-tailored to my genetics. Supplements have saved the day when it comes to my mood, inflammation, milk production, and healing from major surgery. But supplements were only part of what got me through my postpartum time. Spoiler alert: shopping IS therapy. Keep reading to learn the other four things that have been integral for me—and may help you, too—here: STILL HORMONAL BUT EVEN MORE IN LOVE: MY POSTPARTUM EXPERIENCE (PART TWO).