Beyond Crying in the Shower: Postpartum Depression During a Pandemic
Our daughter was born near the very end of 2020, and we were overjoyed. But soon the warning bells of postpartum depression began gently ringing, and continued throughout most of 2021. It wasn’t until I was eight months postpartum that the dark and detached feelings started to lean on the doorbell—heavily. It was as if they were forcing their way in, saying “WE’RE HERE! It’s already too late!”
Months of isolation with little support, pumping milk for two hours a day, and constantly worrying about the health of our daughter created the perfect conditions for depression, fear, and anxiety to grow. I was overweight, experiencing daily tension migraines, and eczema spots were showing up on my hands and around my eyes. Panic attacks were a daily occurrence. To put it mildly, I was a wreck.
In the months before, my husband would tell me that he was thrilled with how joyful and playful I was with her. He’d boast to others that I never ran out of joy for her. But I did; I found myself digging extra deep to entertain my daughter, and I felt completely drained.
I kept playing all day, working for those smiles and desperate to hear her laughter, but it was such hard work. I’m sure my eyes looked different… maybe they were a bit sad? Those who I confided in said she’d be alright, she probably couldn’t even notice, and that she won’t even remember that I was a bit off. But I felt like she did notice. She was more unsettled than usual, and I felt her frustration with the lack of true connection.
I was incredibly disappointed in myself for emotionally abandoning my daughter after only eight months of being together. I had waited years for her, but now the realization of the three losses we suffered before having her hit me. I’d been pregnant—and then suddenly not pregnant—for nearly a year, with two consecutive pregnancies before carrying Cameryn to term. I kept telling myself to be grateful, and to keep my head down; this storm would pass, right?
Parenting in a Pandemic
It didn’t pass. As issues arose, I was failing at managing them emotionally. COVID cases rose again, triggering a fear of being isolated for the winter months again. Family members expressed their disappointment in how they didn’t have the relationship with our daughter that they expected. It was an emotional dumping of grief I didn’t invite and couldn’t handle. We were in the trenches, mourning our own loss of expectations. This wasn’t what we wanted her first year of life to look like, but we were unable to make things better. People we thought would show up for us as we needed them weren’t able to. We felt completely overwhelmed.
I’d imagined mama & baby workout classes, where I’d connect with other moms who would eventually become friends. I thought there would be playdate opportunities, swimming lessons, and weekly visits from loved ones. But due to the landscape that the pandemic created, we were too scared to make any of that a reality.
As I wondered how long it would take to get myself out of this hole, I became increasingly more horrified. I felt lost, detached, and grey. I knew I couldn’t stay in this; I had to be there for my daughter. But I also needed to feel like me again. (I’m not writing this to reveal how I came out of this smiling and fulfilled, although I am much better today. My goal is to let every parent know that I see them.)
For those of us who are parenting through this pandemic, worrying about our babies even more than usual, I see you. I see you making big decisions about your childrens’ futures, education, and socialization inside a COVID-19 limiting box. These are stressors on top of the normal “you’re a parent and you worry about everything” mindset. I honestly feel honoured to be among so many brave mamas. I’ve looked to many of you and reached out to some of you to say “hey, this is hard and I’m not ok; how do you do it?” Almost everyone replied with something along the lines of: “I’m not ok either, but here's what helps me get through the toughest days.” This sharing has been incredibly important for me.
A Glimmer of Hope
When we feel like we’re failing because our moods are low, it’s incredibly difficult to make tough decisions. For example, I hung on to exclusively pumping for hours each day to feed my daughter. I sustained multiple (hospital-worthy!) nipple injuries, but I kept on going because I told myself it made me a good mom. I was caught up in social expectations and detached from what felt true and right for me and my family. In the end, I gave up the pump when she was nearly 10 months old. If I wasn’t feeding her breast milk, I could start taking my supplements again, and I needed them to increase my dopamine levels and support my low moods. Thinking about it today, I'm kinder to myself. I can see how amazing it is that I could feed her breast milk for as long as I did, and that even if I never got to give her breast milk at all, it would still be amazing. There is no right way; breast milk is great, formula is great, organic solids are great… fed is best.
Once I was able to resume taking FocusPlus for my low dopamine levels and take higher amounts of 5 HTP Supreme™, my life changed in a matter of weeks. Now, writing this, I’ve only been out of the dark for about two weeks. I can’t understate how important it was the day I woke up and could see my daughter again. Connecting with her, looking deeply into her eyes, and sharing a united joy as we played gave me relief and elation. Tears filled my eyes. I am back.
The palpable change in my mood means I am strong enough to ask for more help from the people who supported us all along. I put a plan in place to exercise, get ahead of work, and actually blow dry and style my hair sometimes! When I think of other moms, who may have never emerged from the fog, my heart truly aches. I feel blessed that I was able to quickly make changes, reach out for support, and depend on my genetic knowledge to help me identify which neurotransmitters were going to be in the dumpster. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not skipping around in uninterrupted bliss; some days the faithful shower cry is still a thing. But I feel present again and, for now, that’s everything.
I want other parents to know that through this experience, I’ve learned more about how I can support others. My postpartum support services are coloured by sympathy and empathy. My fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum struggles are lived experiences that inform my practice and goal to help other parents get back to feeling healthy and like themselves again. Or maybe, in your case, we could even avoid the worst of it altogether! If not, at least you’ll have someone to walk with you who truly understands. And because I think we don’t openly talk about our struggles enough, I’m going to commit to continuing to be loud about how hard this is. I don’t want anyone to feel alone.
If you are worried about any aspect of your postpartum journey or are looking for support through the right nutrition and supplements, please feel free to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with me.